#LettersFromTheFront of the #SecondCivilWar

My Dearest Family,

The battle is going well, and my spirits are high. I am proud to pass along the many verified reports that we have won the Battle of Bowling Green. The War is going well at every turn.

My Battalion currently has the Red Hats surrounded. Sadly, their blind obedience to their Dear Leader keeps them from admitting defeat. But we continue to barrage them with facts and science, until they can tweet no more. Their Russian allies continue to send spies into our midst, and their own Russian troops in disguise among the Red Hats, but we are neither dismayed nor discouraged. They tend to quickly give away their true nature, so we are not often fooled.

One factor that has been to our advantage is the Red Hats’ distrust of vaccines. Their Anti-Vaxxer strike teams have been wiped out by smallpox & measles. Those who survived are in no condition to fight. Few of the enemy troops have Health Care, merely because of their hatred of Pres. Obama. Their forces are therefore sorely weakened.

Another factor to our advantage is their use of fossil fuels. The smoke from their coal fires is easily spotted by our Scouts, whereas our solar generating panels are only visible from the air. Because they kling to their guns and not to drones, the enemy has yet to spot the panels, so we are resting comfortably in both the heat & cold, and our food is well cooked.

In the wee hours of this morning, we had great fun & success by sneaking into their camps, when we changed the signs on their bathrooms to say they were all transgender restrooms. As a result, none of the Red Hats will use them. Their bladders & intestines are exploding, because they have yet to figure out the only difference is a sign on a door!

I am also glad to report that the Canadians & Germans have been powerful allies. Their counter-strikes to the nonsensical tarrifs, and their morale support to us all in #TheResistance, have been invaluably helpful in proving the incompetence of their Dear Leader. Plus, the Maple Sugar candies and Lebkuchen are delicious.

Our only real difficulty so far has been the need to shoot around the Bernie-supporting Peace Protestors, who try to block the trajectories of our weapons with their “Feel the Bern” protest signs, and either instigate or are goaded into fights with the Hillary supporters in our midst. It is disheartening to see so many good people misled into conflict with their own people. I only wish they would all see that this infighting only serves the Red Hats and their Russian Overlords, and cease their bitter bickering.

Still, none of it will cost us our inevitable victory, of that I am certain. Our sources are much more accurate & real, and our cause is much more just & honorable. Each time they have hurled their petty childish insults, and screamed “Fake News!” or “But her emails!”, their aim has been pitiful and they have missed their marks entirely. Their morale is boosted by Fox News propaganda, but even that is failing them, as the celebrities of that network quit in protest of the vile & inhumane policies that their masters promote. I know we are assured victory, and I hope to be returning home soon.

My love to the dogs, give them all hugs from me.


Click here for some backstory on the hashtag #SecondCivilWar .


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